October 25, 2013

How to Beat Approach Anxiety

Being afraid of going up and talking to a girl that you don’t know is a very common problem. It’s not the easiest thing to fix, and it’s a major sticking point for a lot of people. To get past it you need to tackle it a bit at a time. Follow all of these steps and you will finally know how to beat approach anxiety!


Anxiety is normal and expected

First of all, before we get into any techniques that you can use to get yourself approaching, understand that you will feel anxiety. Even after you’ve done hundreds of approaches, you will still get a bit nervous and you will still feel a bit anxious. You can never fully “get rid” of your approach anxiety. And you shouldn’t try to either. If you put your focus on trying to eliminate something from your life, then you’re giving it too much attention and you’re allowing it to control you even more. You have to be prepared to face anxiety. You have to be prepared to be embarrassed if something doesn’t go quite right.

You can’t control most of her feelings

Remember that you can’t really control what happens in interactions most of the time. In any given interaction roughly 60% of someone’s response has absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s down to how they’re feeling, what they’re going through in their life right now. Have they been having a bad day, are they having a hard time at work, is she having family issues, etc. The other 40% is down to you and what you say and do. But the majority of the interaction is always down to how the other person is feeling. When approaching a girl that you don’t even know, I’d say that it’s more like 80 or 90% controlled by her. The majority of that interaction, at least in the early stages, is just down to how she’s feeling at that moment.

She can’t reject you

Remember that when you approach her, she can’t really reject you. She doesn’t know you at all, so she can’t reject you as a person. Not at all. If she got to know you for a few months, then she can reject you. When you approach all she can do is reject the interaction. If she’s not happy with the interaction then that’s fine. Look at the way you approached and see if there are things that you maybe did wrong, but also remember that the majority of how she feels is down to her. The only thing she can reject is that specific interaction.

Make her day

Finally, remember that approaching a girl and telling her you think she looks good is a beautiful thing. Even if the interaction doesn’t go anywhere for you, it will still have made her feel good. Approaching is about giving. You’re not intending to take value from the interaction, your intention is to give value. So do it. Make her feel good. Think about it - she probably spent hours doing her hair + makeup in the morning before she left the house, it’s actually kind of rude not to approach her. Tell her that you think she looks good, and make her day.

How to get yourself to approach

So you know the mindset you should have, but actually living that mindset and getting yourself to approach is a different story. When you’re first starting out it is so hard to just go up to a girl and say that you think she looks nice. But if you try to do that, you’re really jumping straight in the deep end. It’s important to do it a step at a time. Stretch your comfort zone bit by bit. If you put a frog in a boiling pot of water, it will jump straight out. However, if you put it in some warm water and slowly increase the temperature bit by bit, it will stay in there until it boils to death. You have to stretch your comfort level slowly. If you just keep trying to make yourself to a full approach straight away, then you’ll most likely really struggle with it.

Different people get stuck at different places

Everybody is different and we’re not all at the same level. The fear of approaching is a common one, but there are several sub-fears that it’s made of. The advice you need depends on what you’re struggling with.

Think about the following situations, which ones are you comfortable / not comfortable with?

  • Approaching a hot, 20-year-old female and asking for directions
  • Approaching a girl, giving her a quick compliment, then immediately exiting (no further conversation)
  • Approaching a girl, giving her a quick compliment, then trying to carry on the conversation (with the intention of meeting her again / getting her number)

Click on one of the levels below based on the stage you’re currently at (if you’re not sure, then start at Level One):

Level One: You cannot ask a hot girl for directions
Level Two: You can ask a hot girl for directions, but you cannot give her a quick compliment (even if you immediately leave)
Level Three: You can approach a girl and give her a compliment, but only if you exit immediately

And that’s it! Go out there and approach. Use every chance you get. You can’t get every girl to like you, but there’s an endless number of hot girls out there that will like you. The only way to find the ones that like you is to go and talk to them! Go make someone’s day!


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